End of Summer Friday Five

So, It dawned on me today, that today is the last Friday of summer. Yet, it doesn't feel like it for me. I didn't go back to work this week, I didn't prepare a classroom, I didn't write any lesson plans, or make phone calls to eager students...summer has always (at least the last six years...) concluded with these milestones. Instead, I found myself blogging about my daughters five month milestones, looking forward to our beach vacation in three weeks, and lost in the mire of my own thoughts. 

This summer can easily be summed up by reading five previous post about Annelisa:

1. Month 1
2. Month 2
3. Month 3
4. Month 4
5. Month 5

But for most that follow this little blog, you've already read these updates about Annelisa...and you could, just maybe, be more curious about me and how I really am. So this Friday Five is themed around me and where I am five months and one summer into motherhood.

1. Loneliness

I have felt more loneliness during the last five months than I have in probably my whole life. Being a new stay at home mom has left me feeling very alone most days. My dear, sweet husband has been wonderful, but one person can't really fill the void of interaction I went from having in my career and relationships away from our home. I am thankful for our Life Group and ministry opportunities at our church because they have provided outlets...yet, the day in and day out of mothering an infant at home have left me longing. Longing for a purpose, longing for a routine I like, longing for deep friendship. 

2. Bones

A study was released this week that linked our response to TV (aka fictional) relationships after a major life change as more valuable than real life relationships (see more on that here), I definitely felt this to be very true in my life! My "friends" after Annelisa's birth were in the series Bones. I can say (although not very proudly) that I have watched all the episodes of Bones from either Netflix or Hulu and eagerly await their new season this fall! I'm missing the relationships and banter of Temperance Brennan and Booth and the rest of the cast so much that we have now started watching the failed spin off The Finder, on Hulu, which is actually quite entertaining...so it's a pity that FOX canceled it. Needless to say, that watching episode after episode of Bones this summer, gave me something to be "involved" in outside of myself. I will always associate this show with my first born and nursing! 

3. Routine

Finding a routine has been rough! Annelisa and I have a routine now, but I don't really like it...I find myself constantly thinking about what I would prefer for our routine, then I give up because attempting to change it challenges me to much...it feels too hard. Each week there have been shifts and changes to our routine and I've struggled to manage my household duties within the rhythms Annelisa has dictated. So we persist within the established routine...which is really more of a rhythm. I had hoped at five months in, I would be well established in a routine that worked for both she and I, and I find myself deeply discouraged that this isn't the case.  I think on some level I feel like I have failed...because the rhythm we have keeps me from feeling accomplished. 

4. Accomplishment

I'm addicted to feeling accomplished. I didn't realize this until Annelisa and I emerged from the newborn fog around 6 weeks postpartum. In my teaching, I was able to set out a goal for a day, a week, a month, or a lesson and accomplish them. I was able to make a list of goals for a day, or a week at home and accomplish them...since Annelisa's birth my accomplishments have diminished greatly! Many days a week I will look at my husband and ask what did I do today and he always quickly answers that "I took care of our daughter" which is true...but the mounting lists of things to do at home stares back at me. Reminding me of my failed accomplishments and I hate this more than anything.

5. Value

I find myself falling into a trap of not believing I add value to our family because my pay check goes away in a mere two days. I never really paid that much attention to my pay check when I taught school. I knew that I got paid, but it wasn't my focus. I think subconsciously my pay check meant a lot more to me than I realized...it brought with it "added value" to the family. In two days, that "added value" stops...I realize that by mothering our daughter and being in the home with her I "add value" to our home in a different and important way. I don't want to really entertain the thought of putting her in day care and I am so thankful that my husband provides for our family so well that I am able to stay home...but learning to adjust my "American" mentality away from needing to add "value" through a pay check is difficult. And is truly proving to be a matter of my heart! 

The end of summer 2012 and that's where I find myself...it's a dark place emotionally. I'm honestly struggling...it's funny that I can write about here...but I wouldn't or couldn't easily talk about it in person. I'll end by asking for prayer...I know that God has me here for a purpose far greater than I can see, I am certain, that I am to be in the home to care for our daughter and our things right now, I also now know that this transition is hard emotionally and my heart is in a war. Please pray that God will encourage my heart and help me to find my way amid the struggles. 

Annelisa is 5 Months!

Five months! It's hard to believe it's been five months already! It feels like yesterday we were getting to meet our little lady for the first time!

Annelisa's fifth month proved itself a month of personality! Annelisa is definitely growing physically, but we feel like her mental growth spurted ahead of the physical this month. Her personality seems to be mostly even keel, she knows what she wants and she fights to get it! She can happily play by herself for long stretches and wants plenty of hands on time with mom and dad, too! She is a fairly easy baby, who has stolen many hearts! 

Annelisa's milestones this month include:

• Moved up to size 3 diapers
• Wearing all 6 month onesies and outfits and some 6-9 month dresses
• Sleeping 12 hours each night (some nights she has slept 13.5 hours!)
• Typically taking 2 naps, one "long" (2 plus hours in the morning) and one "short" (an hour or so in the afternoon). I'm hoping to switch this if she'll let me!  
• Nursing 5 to 6 times a day, however the length of feeding sessions has increased dramatically. Such that she typically nurses for an average of an hour and forty-five minutes total during the day.
• Started cereal, both rice and oatmeal...she doesn't really like either of them. She spits a lot of it back at me. I've tried it thin, thick, and even sprinkled with cinnamon...I've begun to think she's just not crazy about the stuff and possibly not ready. 
• Continues to have tummy time and she is protesting more than previous months...aka lots of tears at some point during the day! 
• Can push herself up on straight arms during tummy time
• Trying to complete an hour of tummy time most days...however, we average more in the 45 minute range.
• Enjoying her exersaucer more...this is still overwhelming, 10 to 15 minutes is about all she can handle before she is over-stimulated.
• Rolling over for the first time and not rolling since...almost like she hasn't realized she can do it on her own. 
• She is smiling and giggling a lot more! She thinks that her mommy and daddy are pretty funny most of the time...probably because both of us make lots of "sound effects" when we are playing with her. 
• She is much, much, much more aware of her surroundings. She wants to be out of her car seat so she can look around in stores or restaurants. 
• She is mesmerized by Farley...they are actually paying a little bit of attention to each other these days. 
• Bath time is still a favorite time during the day. As soon as she is placed in the tub, she always has her huge grin! 
• She loves her play mat and loves deliberately grabbing the toys and moving them into her mouth. Her favorite toy is the rattle on her play mat, she always manages to get the pokey parts into her mouth. 
• She is teething...likely one of her bottom teeth, you can't see it or feel it yet, but she is constantly putting anything and everything to that region of her mouth.
• She has begun to grab our hands and move our fingers to her mouth. 
• She continues to suck her thumb and fingers, especially when going to sleep. 
• She is back scooting around the house! Meaning she is mobile! 
• She is a kicker! Literally! :) 
• Practicing sitting up with the help of the Boppi pillow
• Traveled to Austin to visit the Wilkerson's for the first time! 
• Celebrated her daddy's 30th birthday! :)

Some pictures of Annelisa's fifth month! 

Rice cereal! 

Bathing Beauty

Happy Baby

Practicing sitting up with the Boppi's help

Daddy's Birthday--Aug. 21st 

Poop and Lots of It

I feel like this week has been filled with lots and lots of baby poop! Each day there has been one poop disaster that seemed messier and oozier than the day before...

Blow out breast milk poopy diapers, anyone? Poop stained outfits, carpet, car seats, I think you get the idea!

Tonight after talking on the phone to two different very important women in my life...I made a realization, or maybe, and more likely, Christ brought to my mind that we all have "poop" in our lives...I'm thinking figuratively, get your minds out of nasty poopy diaper land, people!

The "poop" in our lives comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it makes you cry, sometimes it makes you mad, sometimes you just want to crawl under a rock and wait for it all to disappear, sometimes it's just a mess when you're too busy to deal with it.

In the midst of our "poop", I  believe with all that is within me that Christ died on a wooden cross over 2000 years ago to take our poop, our hurts, our fears, our SIN! and conquer death and rise again so that when we approach the thrown of grace, God sees us in the perfect light of Jesus Christ. That He welcomes us crying, mad, overwhelmed, and loves us through it and through His people around us on this earth. In the midst of my "poop" this week, I have felt the love of a Heavenly Father showered down on me and I hope that Christ has used me to love on His people in the midst of their "poopy" week, too!

I don't know what poop you are dealing with this week, I don't know why God allowed it in your life, why He wants to teach that lesson to you this week, but I hope in the midst of your "poop" you will seek our Father in Heaven to bring you through it and to allow your heart to be taught His grace and love in the midst of it.