End of Summer Friday Five

So, It dawned on me today, that today is the last Friday of summer. Yet, it doesn't feel like it for me. I didn't go back to work this week, I didn't prepare a classroom, I didn't write any lesson plans, or make phone calls to eager students...summer has always (at least the last six years...) concluded with these milestones. Instead, I found myself blogging about my daughters five month milestones, looking forward to our beach vacation in three weeks, and lost in the mire of my own thoughts. 

This summer can easily be summed up by reading five previous post about Annelisa:

1. Month 1
2. Month 2
3. Month 3
4. Month 4
5. Month 5

But for most that follow this little blog, you've already read these updates about Annelisa...and you could, just maybe, be more curious about me and how I really am. So this Friday Five is themed around me and where I am five months and one summer into motherhood.

1. Loneliness

I have felt more loneliness during the last five months than I have in probably my whole life. Being a new stay at home mom has left me feeling very alone most days. My dear, sweet husband has been wonderful, but one person can't really fill the void of interaction I went from having in my career and relationships away from our home. I am thankful for our Life Group and ministry opportunities at our church because they have provided outlets...yet, the day in and day out of mothering an infant at home have left me longing. Longing for a purpose, longing for a routine I like, longing for deep friendship. 

2. Bones

A study was released this week that linked our response to TV (aka fictional) relationships after a major life change as more valuable than real life relationships (see more on that here), I definitely felt this to be very true in my life! My "friends" after Annelisa's birth were in the series Bones. I can say (although not very proudly) that I have watched all the episodes of Bones from either Netflix or Hulu and eagerly await their new season this fall! I'm missing the relationships and banter of Temperance Brennan and Booth and the rest of the cast so much that we have now started watching the failed spin off The Finder, on Hulu, which is actually quite entertaining...so it's a pity that FOX canceled it. Needless to say, that watching episode after episode of Bones this summer, gave me something to be "involved" in outside of myself. I will always associate this show with my first born and nursing! 

3. Routine

Finding a routine has been rough! Annelisa and I have a routine now, but I don't really like it...I find myself constantly thinking about what I would prefer for our routine, then I give up because attempting to change it challenges me to much...it feels too hard. Each week there have been shifts and changes to our routine and I've struggled to manage my household duties within the rhythms Annelisa has dictated. So we persist within the established routine...which is really more of a rhythm. I had hoped at five months in, I would be well established in a routine that worked for both she and I, and I find myself deeply discouraged that this isn't the case.  I think on some level I feel like I have failed...because the rhythm we have keeps me from feeling accomplished. 

4. Accomplishment

I'm addicted to feeling accomplished. I didn't realize this until Annelisa and I emerged from the newborn fog around 6 weeks postpartum. In my teaching, I was able to set out a goal for a day, a week, a month, or a lesson and accomplish them. I was able to make a list of goals for a day, or a week at home and accomplish them...since Annelisa's birth my accomplishments have diminished greatly! Many days a week I will look at my husband and ask what did I do today and he always quickly answers that "I took care of our daughter" which is true...but the mounting lists of things to do at home stares back at me. Reminding me of my failed accomplishments and I hate this more than anything.

5. Value

I find myself falling into a trap of not believing I add value to our family because my pay check goes away in a mere two days. I never really paid that much attention to my pay check when I taught school. I knew that I got paid, but it wasn't my focus. I think subconsciously my pay check meant a lot more to me than I realized...it brought with it "added value" to the family. In two days, that "added value" stops...I realize that by mothering our daughter and being in the home with her I "add value" to our home in a different and important way. I don't want to really entertain the thought of putting her in day care and I am so thankful that my husband provides for our family so well that I am able to stay home...but learning to adjust my "American" mentality away from needing to add "value" through a pay check is difficult. And is truly proving to be a matter of my heart! 

The end of summer 2012 and that's where I find myself...it's a dark place emotionally. I'm honestly struggling...it's funny that I can write about here...but I wouldn't or couldn't easily talk about it in person. I'll end by asking for prayer...I know that God has me here for a purpose far greater than I can see, I am certain, that I am to be in the home to care for our daughter and our things right now, I also now know that this transition is hard emotionally and my heart is in a war. Please pray that God will encourage my heart and help me to find my way amid the struggles.