Heavy Heart-ed to Trusting Mama: A Health and Life Update

I think this is my fourth attempt at this post...I am certain at this point that the starting and stopping, deleting, and starting over has been good for this topic and for this season in my life. I will warn you that this will be a long post. I am seldom pithy, and this topic will be no different.

The week before Annelisa turned one I began to slowly wean her to whole milk. The P.A. had given me her blessing in starting to replace one feeding a day with whole milk instead of breast milk. I chose the late afternoon feeding as the first one to drop. Annelisa did great! She loved getting to drink milk from her sippy cup, didn't seem bothered that I wasn't breast feeding her and I loved the new independence found in one less breast feeding session. After eight days of this routine, we proceeded to drop the morning breast feeding and replaced it with a whole milk sippy. This transition wasn't as smooth...she hit me, literally! She eventually relented and drank her milk and after a couple of days, she wasn't seeming to miss me breast feeding her, she was gobbling up her milk, and NOT hitting me! This new normal continued for another seven days. Then on April 3, I breast feed her for the last time. It was her bedtime feeding and I think I had a harder time saying good bye to that time with her than she did. The first couple of days had some transition pains, but she seemed to adapt quickly to her sippy of milk.

While the weaning process was ongoing, something else started happening more frequently. Annelisa was vomiting, on average, once a day with her solid meals. The vomiting had initially started with her ear infection in February, but had improved and was now steadily increasing again. We were at a loss for why this was happening and something in me told me this behavior was NOT normal! Each time we were at the pediatrician we brought it up, we were getting lots of various answers from the P.A. about what it could be. Then at her 12 month well baby, we left thinking that Annelisa had a really sensitive gag reflex, combined with some allergies. That seemed like a simple enough answer...until April 4. Starting Thursday, April 4, Annelisa fully transitioned to whole milk and solid foods for all her nutrition and she vomited nearly 12 times between Thursday and Sunday, April 7. Each time she vomited it was projectile, heart wrenching vomit. She never cried; she would cough, vomit, and then begin playing or eating again, depending on where she was when we she threw up. It was happening so much that I was serving her pedialyte and bland foods and keeping various buckets nearby to catch vomit. We also knew that this wasn't a stomach virus because she had no fever and no behavior or mood changes besides the vomiting. Needless to say, by the time Sunday arrived, we were a mess about what to do with Annelisa, how to help her keep food down, and we were tremendously frustrated that we didn't have a real cause to blame for the vomit. I was very worried about her growth, and what this would mean for her long term.

Philippians 4:6 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" (ESV, emphasis mine).

My heart cried out to God over Annelisa, the anxiety in my heart for her gripped me. I didn't like this, I wasn't thankful for her suffering, I didn't want this in my family. I desired a healthy child that could eat anything they wanted, play to their heart's content, and not worry about each cough and tickle, not have buckets strategically placed around our home, I yelled out to God with my heavy heart and hatred of our situation. Yet, as I yelled at God, I knew HE heard me, I knew HE knew my grief, HE knew my suffering, my desires, HE knew my heavy heart and HE still loved me and loved Annelisa more than I can ever imagine! HE is the one responsible for her life, her growth, her being born to us. She is HIS! The reality of my child NOT really being mine, struck me down like a load of bricks. I wanted (and still do) to make her mine, not daily entrust her to HIM that made her and entrusts her to us to raise in HIS ways. My baby girl isn't mine...She belongs to the Most High God.

On Monday, April 8, I made a sick appointment with a different pediatrician in our doctor's office. We needed answers knowing that the vomiting could not continue with out the risk of dehydration. That afternoon we both went to the appointment with Dr. Linh Ho, she was the answer to prayers! She was patient and kind, and she thoroughly listened to all of our concerns. I should add that Annelisa had a reaction to the varicella (chicken pox) vaccine breaking out in a post chicken pox rash all over her torso, arms, and legs on Thursday, April 4,which was also aggravating her eczema hot spots. Little Annelisa looked a hot mess in her diaper on the exam table...rash and red all over. Thankfully, she had gained a little weight since her well baby exam 11 days before, she weighed in at 20 pounds 5 ounces.

Friday, April 5, the varicella reaction rash.

After Dr. Ho completed her exam, she determined that Annelisa was likely suffering from reflux. She has always been a spitter and it seems that she was probably a silent refluxer before it became more severe and manifested itself with vomiting. Dr. Ho also thought that between her sensitive skin, eczema, and environmental allergies that we should begin a daily antihistamine routine. Her hope was that the combination of Zantac and Zyrtec would eventually help break the cycle of vomit for Annelisa. We were elated! With the prescriptions sent to the pharmacy, we left with hope of what to do and what the next steps would be if this regime didn't work to solve and relieve the problems for Annelisa. I scheduled a follow-up weight check for two weeks later.

The first 6 days on the medications were glorious! There was no vomit! It was amazing!! I was praising God, praising the doctor, and reveling in doing less laundry! We were slowly relaxing at meals, not grabbing for our handy buckets at each cough. Slowly returning to normal....and we even had a glorious weekend away at the Family Life Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference while our best friends kept Annelisa. God was so good to provide so many days of encouragement with Annelisa's health as well as a respite to reconnect as husband and wife!

The next seven days were more trying. On Monday, April 15, Annelisa threw up at lunch, she seemed to gag herself on a piece of pear as none of her previous cues happened. We continued on...Wednesday, April 17 she threw up twice, Thursday, threw up going to bed in her crib, Friday threw up once, over the weekend she threw up a couple of times on Saturday and once on Sunday...we were discouraged! Thankful that our two week follow-up was on Monday, April 22, Annelisa's 13 month birthday. Throughout this week, my dependence on God was my foundation. I got over my husband hearing my prayers for first time in our marriage and prayed over Annelisa out loud at meals, bed time, throughout the day. All that mattered was that God heard my prayers, HE sustained me. I sought Him for guidance, sought Him for encouragement. I'm so thankful for His provision through two women in my life that were able to encourage me and one who was able to speak from her own experience with reflux with her son as an infant several years ago.

Monday, April 22, our follow-up with Dr. Ho. Annelisa lost weight...an ounce...weighing in at 20 pounds, 4 ounces. She's thirteen months old....She's NOT supposed to lose weight!!!! I was devastated, frustrated, and concerned. Dr. Ho wanted to continue the same regime for the rest of the week since Annelisa had responded so well for the first six days. She felt like the dosage was appropriate for her and that we had gotten into a bad cycle. In hindsight, we agree with her 100 percent...and think that allergies played a bigger role in those seven days than we realized. Yet, on that Monday I wanted my baby to be well. So I trudged home and she didn't throw up until Tuesday! So after she threw up twice on Tuesday, I call the Pediatrician's office and left a message for the triage nurse. I wasn't happy that Annelisa was still throwing up, I was extremely emotional about it and I let her know how I really felt. When she called back to talk to me about it she listened to me like a champ! The job of a triage nurse is NOT one that I want...dealing with mothers and fathers whose child is sick is not my idea of a fun job! She told me that she would relay my concerns back to Dr. Ho, but in the mean time to continue trying the method changes Dr. Ho had recommended for giving Annelisa her medications.

The next evening, Dr. Ho called to discuss my concerns. I was a much more level-headed mommy! Annelisa hadn't thrown up since lunch on Tuesday, so my stress level was reduced and I could see the benefits to the changes we were making in the way we were giving Annelisa her medicine. She encouraged me, she listened to me, she reassured me, and then told me she would call again on Friday to see how things were. The rest of the week we continued to see improvements in Annelisa. Then Friday comes and I manage to slice my left middle finger pretty badly while making dinner. Dr. Ho called while we were in the ER waiting room. She was great even then! We felt like the dosage was working well for Annelisa, that the method changes had made all the difference in breaking the vomit cycle, and that we would continue at this dosage for another couple of weeks. Dr. Ho called in a refill of Zantac for Annelisa and wished me well with my sliced finger...By the way, dermabond glue is amazing! So much better than stitches!!

Two weeks later, on Friday, May 3, we had our last appointment to follow-up on Annelisa's weight and progress on the medications. She weighed in at 20 pounds, 8 ounces! She is gaining again! Better yet, she was staying on her 50th percentile growth curve! The medication has improved Annelisa's quality of life and allowed her to be an even more care free baby than before. We are learning that she can still have reflux episodes that end in vomit, but they occur less and less often. Annelisa has gone almost a 7 days today since she last threw up!! This is the longest stretch in months! We are learning how to manage her allergies better and help her to feel more comfortable with them. She has also managed Annelisa's egg allergy with us and prescribed an EPI pen in case her next inadvertent introduction to eggs leads to a severe reaction. Annelisa is now up-to-date on all her vaccines and has not had a reaction to the MMR vaccine! This is great news since it is a live vaccine based in egg product!

We feel so blessed with Dr. Ho as our substitute pediatrician throughout this process (our pediatrician has been on maternity leave since early January)! She was tremendously patient with all of us and has an awesome bed side manner with little Annelisa. We won't hesitate to see her again if our pediatrician is out or unavailable!

I entitled this post Heavy Heart-ed to Trusting Mama to shine to light on God's goodness throughout this season of doubt, suffering, and difficulty. I've had the joy of being apart of a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) class and small group since December. God has used the lessons week after week to teach and mold me to be more like him. I am not claiming that I've succeeded at this, but that I'm a work in progress. Throughout the height of Annelisa's reflux process we were studying about Joseph's life in Genesis 37-50. Joseph is a man that God used to save many lives; he allowed Joseph to suffer through hatred, slavery, prison, and then elevated him to a place of great position and power in Egypt all while teaching him complete dependence on God. Some recurring themes that kept coming out of of the lessons were how well Joseph suffered for God, how he didn't lose faith, how he praised God through out his sufferings. I didn't feel like I was suffering well in my circumstances, I felt so heavy heart-ed and selfish for my desires for my family and Annelisa's health to be reality. God was patient with me and has brought me to a place of great trust in his sovereign plan for us. He knows our future and HE is sovereign over it! I am so thankful now for the path he has brought us through this spring. I have learned so much about God's character and His faithfulness to provide for us in ALL our circumstances. I have a new understanding for families whose children have GERD, like Annelisa and I am so thankful that God has developed that in me. Motherhood brings with it many lessons, the biggest one in my opinion, is learning to entrust our children to the Lord, the maker and creator of all, daily as they are really His!