This week marks the end of six years as a 5th grade teacher. I am currently undergoing a major change professionally...transitioning from teacher to full time mom.
Nine weeks ago I left school, my home away from home, in a mad rush to make it to the doctor not knowing that I wasn't going back on Friday...not knowing that I wasn't going to have the moment of closure with my students, not fully understanding the scope of the change that was happening in my life.
Birth...changes things!
Three months ago, I had short timers syndrome. I saw the light at the end of my year, felt the relief of knowing that I only had to teach x number of days. I looked forward to this transition with eager anticipation. Then the suddenness of Annelisa's birth happened without closure at school. (This seems odd now, since most birth experiences are sudden...one knows a general season or month but the day, hour, and method is often unknown until "it's time!") I can hope that I kept my short timers disease to myself...but I think some close friends were aware of my mental state back in March!
Something funny happened in me as I became a mother and started to care for our little girl, I started to miss my job. I missed the routine of it, the reputation I had at it, the assurance of knowing what to do each day. I didn't anticipate this...I was burned out, ready to not be a teacher/mother to my 60 5th graders, ready to have the simplicity of being home with my one darling daughter. Resignation hit me like a ton of bricks, completing the paperwork, the exit interview.... the whole process was hard for me. I did it, I got it in the mail, I set up my appointment to turn in my school laptop, I've done the steps, but emotionally I'm not there yet. June 1 is a less than a week away and I will pack my classroom, sign off on my checklist, and say good bye. I would be kidding if I told you that I was still excited about this...kidding if I told you that I didn't need to see my kids again...because I'm not and I do!
For those that know me well, you know that I don't process my emotions easily or well. I tend to bottle them up and keep them inside. This week I'm choosing to try to live in the moment and process my emotions and I'm afraid that this will get messy...tears will be apart of this process. I've realized that I need to grieve leaving my job and it's okay (dare I say necessary) for me to do so.
In case you're wondering, I have no regrets about resigning or becoming a stay at home mom...it's just a big shift for me and I'm trusting that God will use my availability in great ways if I'll show up each day and let Him!
So how will I process this last week of my six year career...
Tuesday--I'll attend 6th grade Honor's Night...and watch my students from last year make the transition to Junior High...I need to see them do this...I've gone each year that I've taught the students involved and it's a great closure activity for the year.
Wednesday--My principal is retiring this year, as well, and her retirement party is this afternoon followed by our faculty End of Year Celebration...I need to go to celebrate with my friends and coworkers a year and career well done.
Thursday--The last day of school...each year my principal has had a Flag Raising Ceremony on the first day of school and a Flag Lowering Ceremony on the last day of school. I need to see the Flag come down and stand with my class. This will bring major closure to the year... It will be a miracle if I don't cry through the whole thing, I'm preparing myself, so that I can let my emotions go and cry if I need to...the whole event will be hard for me.
Friday--Teacher work day...packing day...I'm so thankful that my parents and husband are taking vacation time to help me accomplish this task. My mom will watch Annelisa at home and dad and Christopher will come with me to work. There is no way I could pack my room and finish my end of year check lists without their help.
Here's to things changin'! Embracing change isn't easy, isn't comfortable. I'm choosing to live in the moment this week. Whatever emotions come!
Great post Allison! I appreciate your honesty!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that the transition to stay-at-home mom was the hardest thing ever. I didn't love my job and was never planning a career there (I was an admin assistant) but there are some days I still want to go back, get dressed up, drink coffee slowly, and have an organized day. All that to say, no one ever prepared me for how hard it was going to be to transition to staying at home! You're not alone!
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