Why Pray? By Jim Denison

Written by Jim Denison

A friend sent me this essay.  It quickly hit home with me—see if it does with you.

Satan called a worldwide convention.  In his opening address to his demons, he said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church.  We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth.  We can't even keep them from biblical values.  But we can do something else.  We can keep them from forming an intimate, continual experience with Christ.

"If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken.  So let them go to church, let them have their Christian lifestyles, but steal their time so they can't gain that experience with Jesus Christ.  This is what I want you to do.  Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day."

"How shall we do this?" asked his demons.  "Keep them busy with the nonessentials of life and invest unnumbered schemes to occupy their minds," he answered.  "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, then borrow, borrow, borrow.  Convince them to work six or seven hours a day, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their lifestyles.  Keep them from spending time with their children.  As their families fragment, soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work.

"Overstimulate their minds so they cannot hear that still small voice.  Entice them to play the radio or CD player wherever they drive, to keep the TV, the DVD player, and their CDs going constantly in their homes.  Fill their coffee tables with magazines and newspapers.  Pound their minds with news 24 hours a day.  Invade their driving moments with billboards.  Flood their mailboxes and e-mail with junk, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotion.

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive.  Have them return from their holidays exhausted, disquieted and unprepared for the coming week.  And when they gather for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so they leave with souls unfulfilled.

"Let them be involved in evangelism.  But crowd their lives with so many good causes that they have no time to seek power from Christ.  Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family unity for the good of the cause."

It was quite a convention.  And the demons went eagerly to their assignments.

Has the devil been successful in his scheme?  You be the judge.  While nearly 9 in 10 Americans say they pray to God, only one in four is "completely satisfied" with his or her prayer life.  Only 60% of Protestants who pray are "absolutely certain" that prayer makes a difference in their lives.

There are many reasons we don't pray as often or as passionately as we could and should.  But near the top of the list is the question, "why?"  If we don't understand why we should do something, it's harder to do it.  "Because I said so" isn't an answer any child wants to hear from a parent.

A dear friend raised this issue with me recently.  If God knows what we are going to ask, why ask?  If he already knows what he is going to do, why pray?  If my prayer causes God to do some good thing he was not going to do until I prayed, what does this say about the character of God?  Why does he sometimes heal when we pray and sometimes not?  Why pray?

To obey God

The first answer to the question is the one children don't like to hear: because our Father says so.  Because Scripture tells us to pray.

In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus was explicit: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7).  Ask, seek, knock--each is an imperative, not a suggestion.  Each is God's demand of us.

We are to pray with urgency.  Charles Spurgeon, the greatest of all Baptist preachers, warned us: "He who prays without fervency does not pray at all.  We cannot commune with God, who is a consuming fire, if there is no fire in our prayers."  Maltbie Babcock agreed: "Our prayers must mean something to us if they are to mean anything to God."

Hear Spurgeon again: "The sacred promises, though in themselves most sure and precious, are of no avail for the comfort and sustenance of the soul unless you grasp them by faith, plead them in prayer, expect them by hope, and receive them with gratitude."  He added, "Do not reckon you have prayed unless you have pleaded, for pleading is the very marrow of prayer."

We are to pray urgently and continually.  Jesus' words are in the present tense: pray and keep on praying.  Our Lord prayed before light, after dark, all night long, continually.  His word commands the same of us: "pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5.17).

George Mueller, the great minister and man of faith, prayed patiently for five personal friends who did not know the Lord.  After five years, one came to Christ.  In ten more years, two more were saved.  After 25 years, the fourth friend came to Christ.  He kept praying for the last friend for 52 years, then died.  The fifth friend came to know Jesus a few months afterward.  Keep praying.

How do we pray with continual urgency?

• Begin.  Make an appointment to meet with God.  I read recently about a man who put on his calendar each day, 7-7:30, prayer.  But he kept missing it.  Then he changed it to say 7-7:30, God.  That's a harder meeting to neglect.
• In Jesus' name: "I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it" (John 14:13-14).  Do you believe that you deserve to be heard, or do you pray on the basis of Jesus' death for you?
• According to God's will: "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we asked of him" (1 John 5:14-15).  He will give us what we ask, or something better.
• For God's glory: "I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father" (Jn. 14:13).  Do you seek your glory or his?
• With a clean heart: "If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my prayer" (Psalm 66:18-19).

If God seems silent, check yourself by these biblical standards.  But know that your Father wants to hear you even more than you want to be heard.  And pray.  Let nothing stop you.  Do it today.

Because prayer changes you

A second reason to pray: time with God changes us.  When we are in the presence of God, his Spirit transforms us.  Prayer is the way the Carpenter shapes and molds the wood of our lives.  He must touch us to change us.  In prayer we do not talk about him, but to him.  We do not study him, we are with him.  And then our time in prayer makes us more like his Son, which is his purpose for our lives (Ro. 8:29).
Frederick Buechner said that we are to pray continually "not, one assumes, because you have to beat a path to God's door before he'll open it, but because until you beat the path maybe there's no way of getting to your door."  Blaise Pascal believed that "All the troubles of life come upon us because we refuse to sit quietly for a while each day in our rooms."  Gordon MacDonald adds: "I have begun to see that worship and intercession are far more the business of aligning myself with God's purposes than asking him to align with mine."

Oswald Chambers taught, "Prayer is the way the life of God is nourished.  We look upon prayer as a means of getting things for ourselves; the Bible's idea of prayer is that we may get to know God himself."
We pray because God tells us to.  Why does he want us to pray?  Because then he can shape and mold us, preparing us for eternity and using us on earth.  Prayer is the hand of God on our souls.

And so prayer positions us to receive what God's grace wants to give.  You could not read these words unless you were close enough to your computer to be able to see them.  Sitting in front of your computer screen does not mean that you deserve these words, good or bad.  Just that you can receive them.

In the same way, there is much God wants to give us but cannot until we are willing to receive his grace.  We have not because we ask not (James 4:2).  He wanted to guide me in writing this essay, but could not speak effectively to me unless I was ready to listen.  He wants to guide you through the rest of this day, but cannot unless you are willing to follow.  Time in prayer connects your Spirit with his, so you can hear his voice and follow his will.

In these ways, prayer does not change God so much as it changes us.

Because your Father always hears you

So we are to pray because God requires it, and because he uses prayer in our lives.  Here's a third reason to pray: because our Father always hears us.  Jesus promised: ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened.  No exceptions.  God has an "open door" policy with the universe.  Billions of people pray in thousands of languages, all at the same time, and God hears each one.  You included.

Jesus followed his promise with a parable (vs. 9-11).  Stones along the Sea of Galilee were small limestone balls, in appearance much like the bread of the day.  Fish-like snakes grew in the Sea; they were without scales and thus forbidden to the Jews as food (Leviticus 11:12).  Now, if you were a father in those days and your hungry child asked for bread, would you trick him with a stone?  If he asked for a fish, would you give him a snake?  Of course not.  And compared to God, we are "evil."  Our perfect Father who is love always hears us.  This is the promise of God.

The difference between hearing and answering

However, "hearing" and "answering" may not be the same thing.  We often say that God hasn't heard our prayers if he has not yet granted our request in the way we asked it.  But a father hears the child's request which he must refuse just as he hears the request he can grant.

Here's a one-sentence theology of prayer: when we pray, God always gives us what we ask for or something better.  He always hears us, and always grants our request in the way that is for his glory and our good.  He is not capricious, arbitrary, or deaf.  He is a Father who is excited every time one of his children calls him.  Every time.

The Greeks told a story about Aurora, the goddess of the dawn, who fell in love with Tithonus a mortal youth.  Zeus offered her any gift she might choose for her mortal lover.  She naturally chose that Tithonus might live forever; but she had forgotten to ask that he might remain forever young.  And so Tithonus grew older and older and older, and could never die, and the gift became a curse.

Our Father is no Zeus.  He loves us so much he watched his Son die in our place, on our cross, for our sins.  Do you know anyone who loves you enough to send their child to die for you?  One did.

Reasons God does not grant what we ask

The simple fact is that a loving Father cannot give us everything we ask in the way we ask for it.  A farmer prays for rain; a baseball fan prays for sunshine that same day, for that same county.  Both sides prayed for victory in the Civil War.

His timing may not be ours.  He might right now be working to answer your prayer, but you cannot yet see that work.  You're needing a new job, and have prayed for one.  Today God is engineering circumstances in such a way that a person is being promoted to the home office of her corporation.  Then someone in her office will be moved into her position.  Then that person's job will be yours.  It is going to take another two months for that process to become obvious to you, though God is working on the issue right now.  You just don't know it.

And God loves us too much to give us what we ask for, unless it is for our good.  When one of our boys was very small, he watched me use a razor blade to scrape paint from a window and wanted to play with this shiny new toy.  He was incensed that I refused.

Here we come to one of the great mysteries of the Christian faith.  When we prayed for something God did not grant, we can know that it was best that he acted as he did.  Even when we do not understand why.  The person did not get well.  The house burned down; the divorce became final; the car wreck happened.  It's not a question of timing, for the worst has already occurred.  And we do not understand why God did not grant us our prayer.

A very dear friend in our congregation suffered from cancer for many months.  I prayed every day for her healing.  When she died, I was deeply distraught.  Her healing would have brought such glory to God and good to her family.  I didn't understand, and still don't.

Dr. E. K. Bailey was the Senior Pastor of Concord Missionary Baptist Church here in Dallas, and one of the finest ministers of the gospel I have ever known.  Our friendship was priceless to my soul.  Several times, God healed my dear friend of cancer.  Then he did not.  I still don't understand why.

I must assume that it was not best for them to be healed.  They are both with the Father in glory, in a paradise we cannot begin to imagine.  One second on the other side of death, they were glad they were in glory.  In the providence of God, their contribution to his Kingdom on earth must have been completed, their reward prepared, their eternity made ready.  Even though I don't understand or like it.

That's the faith assumption I must make when God does not grant what I ask--he is doing something even better.  Though my finite, fallen mind cannot begin to imagine how that could be so, I must trust his love and compassion enough to accept it by faith.  Not until I became a father did I understand some of the things my father said and did.  Not until we are in glory will we understand completely our Father's will and ways (1 Corinthians 13:12).

What about free will?

Now let's complicate matters even further.  We have been thinking thus far about situations where God did not give us what we asked for, and trying to trust that he did something even better.  But are there times when his will is frustrated by our own?  When he wants to answer our prayer, but human freedom prevents him?

The question moves us into the arena of sovereignty/free will, one of the most debated and divisive subjects in Christian theology today.  We'll not go there except as the issue touches on a theology of prayer.  Some theologians argue that God's sovereign will is not subject to ours, that human freedom can never frustrate or defeat the divine plan.  They would not agree that misused free will could be a factor in God's answers to our prayers.  He will do what is best, however humans react to him.

However, it seems to me that in at least one area, God's will is limited by ours.  2 Peter 3:9 states, "God is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."  1 Timothy 2:4 promises that God "wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth."  Some believe God has chosen the "elect" who will be in heaven and those who will be in hell, and that human freedom is not determinative of eternal destiny.  They must interpret these two passages as relating only to the "elect."  But the verses seem in their context to speak to all of humanity, never mentioning the "elect."  It seems clear that God wants every one of his children to be with him in eternity.

Yet we know that many are lost: "If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire" (Revelation 20:15).  Many will use their free will to refuse God's offer of grace.  And he has chosen to limit himself to their freedom.  He created us to worship him; worship requires a choice; God will not violate that freedom.  His sovereign decision to enable our free will causes him to honor that freedom.

If this is true, we have at least one area where human freedom limits the perfect will of God.  Is this possible in other areas as well, specifically with regard to prayer?  Could it be that a reason God has not answered a prayer as you asked it is because someone is refusing to cooperate?

God wanted you to have a particular job, but the person who was to hire you misused his freedom to hire his brother-in-law instead.  God intended to lead your daughter to a particular Christian young man at college, but she refused to follow the Lord's guidance.  You prayed for God to use your life; he intended for you a deeply fulfilling ministry to children in your church; but you refused his leadership.  Then you wonder why he hasn't answered your prayer.

I have not resolved this issue fully in my own mind.  If God is sovereign, his "good, pleasing and perfect will" must be done (Romans 12:2).  If God intends us to have freedom of choice, he must honor the decisions we make even when they are counter to his perfect will.  It seems to me that resolving this conflict in either direction creates a greater problem than we solve.  If God's will controls our own, our mistakes and sins are ultimately his fault (violating James 1:13-15).  If our will controls God's, he cannot fulfill his purposes for his creation (violating Jesus' claim that "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me," Matt. 28:18).

So I am ready to accept both sides of the paradox.  God is three and one; Jesus is fully God and fully man; and Scripture is divinely inspired and humanly written.  In the same way, God will accomplish his perfect will without violating my freedom.  There are times when we are like Joseph, sold into slavery by our brothers' misused free will.  At the end of the story we will be able to say to them, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good" (Genesis 50:20).  His love prevails.

Conclusion

Now, where does this subject come home to you?  Do you pray much at all?  Continually?  With urgency?  Is there a need you've abandoned, a request on which you've given up?  A place in your life where God seems silent?

Perhaps this man's experience will help.  An anonymous Confederate soldier wrote,

I asked God for strength that I might achieve; I was made weak, that I might learn to serve.  I asked for health, that I might do great things; I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.  I asked for wealth, that I might be happy; I was given poverty, that I might be wise.  I asked for power, that I might earn the praise of men; I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.


I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life; I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.  I got nothing I asked for, but all I hoped for.  Despite myself, my prayers were answered.  And I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

So can we be.  This is the promise of God.

9 Month Well Baby Exam

Getting this appointment proved far more difficult than expected. It was moved two different times! The first time because it was scheduled two days after Christmas and Annelisa's pediatrician would be out of the office; the second time due to her pediatrician being placed on bed rest. This appointment was with one of the P.A.'s in the office and will be with her again for her 12 month exam. 

Overall, the appointment was uneventful as it is the only well baby exam during the first year without any immunizations. YEA!! No shots! :) However, Annelisa was very resentful of the P.A. completing her exam! She cried through the whole thing! I have known that separation anxiety was beginning to happen. Particularly in new situations with brand new people, which is a developmental milestone. Yet, her desire and need to be held combined with my attempting to complete the 9 month milestones questionnaire, made for an entertaining appointment. 

Annelisa is developing perfectly for her! She hasn't achieved every item on the questionnaire, but that is normal. She will grow at her rate in every way...which is something God is working hard on me to understand and accept! I am struggling with her rate of growth not being "on par" with others' babies. I have begun to dread her well baby check-ups. I hate that I don't look forward to learning how much she's grown. At my core, I am fearful of being found at fault in caring for her, or not having done something I should that I didn't know I should do. My dear husband has to talk me off this cliff before each visit now. And I hate that! I also hate that I feel judged by those whose babies have completed milestones that Annelisa hasn't yet and doesn't seem interested in. This is my battle in the "mommy war." I hate the unspoken competition that I feel with others in this nursery stage of life that are friends or acquaintances.

I am truly thankful that Annelisa continues to grow well and stays between the 50th and 75th percentile in every area! And no matter what, I love her more than I ever could have imagined, feel so blessed to have her in my life, and look forward to watching her achieve each milestone. Just as God loves me and looks forward to me achieving each new milestone, too! I am so thankful that God is not comparing me to others my age, or stage, and that He loves me and see me as He sees His son, Jesus Christ. I am continually praying for the ability to see Annelisa for Annelisa as Christ sees her and NOT through the lense of comparison with others! 

9 Month Stats (42 Weeks, 1 day, January 11, 2013): 

Weight: 18 pounds, 13 ounces, 50th percentile

Height: 28.25 inches, 65th percentile

Head size: 17.50 inches, 60th percentile 

Where Annelisa's been by the Stats! 

6 Month Stats (27 Weeks, September 27, 2012): 

Weight: 16 pounds, 11 ounces, 60th percentile
Height: 27.5 inches, 95th percentile
Head size: 16.75 inches, 50th percentile

4 Month Stats (18 Weeks, July 26, 2012):

Weight: 14 pounds, 7 ounces, 60th percentile
Height: 25 inches, 75th percentile
Head size: 15.75 inches, 25th percentile

2 Month Stats (9 Weeks, 1 day, May 25, 2012):

Weight: 11 pounds, 10 ounces, 60th percentile
Height: 23.75 inches, 90th percentile
Head size: 15.25 inches, 50th percentile

2 Week Stats (2 weeks, 4 days, April 9, 2012 (the day before my due date)):

Weight: 7 pounds, 10 ounces, 25th percentile
Height: 21 inches, 75th percentile
Head size: 14.14 inches, 50th percentile

4 Days Old Stats (March 26, 2012): 

Weight: 7 pounds, 2 ounces, 35th percentile
Height: 20.75 inches, 85th percentile
Head size: 13.75 inches, 50th percentile

Birth Stats (March 22, 2012):

Weight: 8 pounds, 0 ounces, 70th percentile
Height: 20.5 inches, 85th percentile
Head size: 15 inches, 99th percentile

I Raise My White Flag: 7

A few weeks back our church worship band started playing a new (maybe only to us!) Chris Tomlin song, "White Flag" and I haven't been able to get it out of my head! I've been listening and singing along at least once a day since the middle of last week. Take a listen for yourself!

I was thinking about this song and the emotions it brings to the surface for me as a Christ follower. The nature of raising a white flag in complete surrender, asking Christ to calm the storm of my heart, my head, my soul. My rebel heart, like yours, is constantly being fought over! This fight is not necessarily at the hands of a physical, flesh, and blood enemy, but more likely, it's a fight against the world in which we live. A world filled with materialism and for a lot of us, fictional needs.

My best friend and I are reading a book entitled, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. I hesitantly agreed to read this book alongside her...I quote my text message Timid voice: sure! Laura has already started a blog series prompted by this book...you can check it out here.

I have recognized my feelings of "need" for more a lot of late. Perhaps out of feeling the pressures of the upper middle class world around me, combined with my own selfish desires. 7 holds up a glaringly different perspective with plenty of food for thought. So as America heads into the season of Consumerism and Excess. I'm desiring more of God, more of His Truth, more of Him in every aspect of this season, in our home, and especially in our family.

In the words of the song,

I raise my white flag! I surrender! All to YOU, All for YOU!

The war is over! 

I surrender all to YOU! I surrender all to YOU!

Love has come! Love has won! 

I lift the cross! 

Lift it high! 

Lift it high!

Lift it high! 

Join us in reading if you'd like, stay tuned for my insights as I seek Christ to be molded and shaped by a life with less and MORE of HIM! 

Status Update: Stay-at-home Mom

I've been encouraged by so many women who have plodded through these "long days and short years" ahead of me. Reminding me to enjoy every moment, to not worry so much about having a clean house, but instead on making memories with Annelisa....despite the voice inside my head that keeps telling me "I've done nothing today!" I've done a lot of memory making with Annelisa. And perhaps more importantly, I've grown up some (mmmm, maybe a lot!)

I dare say that I've begun to find a rhythm amid the chaos that is Annelisa's "schedule." I know what to expect of most days, and weeks, and I'm slowly learning how to make the most of nap time to do things I need to do...and even realized that some days naps won't happen (don't judge!!) so we can get out of the house to do other important things.

We now sit in the middle of the what I found to be the most emotionally challenging month of the school year...October.

October is hard on lots of levels as a teacher...mostly in you know your students, the newness has worn off, you know how much each needs to learn, you know which pet peeves are going to be irritated daily, you know how tired you already feel, and how far off Thanksgiving is...October is hard.

I'm thankful that I'm not missing all of that, as I feared I would. I've found other things to occupy my time and days. Don't get me wrong...I thoroughly enjoyed teaching, my students, and especially all of my teacher friends! I don't miss the challenge of the job daily and especially the strain it placed on my marriage and family. I am finding my way into stay-at-home mommy hood...it's a slow process for me....Annelisa is almost seven months old...

I've realized, or better yet, God has shown and taught me some of his truths again in the new light of motherhood that have helped me embrace this new position I have as mommy in the home full time. Galatians 5:22-23 was the memory verse this past week in our ladies Bible study...I memorized it long ago, yet it had a whole new meaning to me this week...

"But the fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..."

As a stay-at-home mommy, I have found myself more able to tap into the life-source of these characteristics to show them in my home. To be a better helper to my husband...both I lacked in earnest as a working wife...I was too tired, or too focused on my job, to live out these things to my husband and to fulfill God's purpose for marriage.

I am thankful for these days: some hard, some joyful, some lonely, some chaotic, some simple to love my Savior through serving and loving my family. I'm thankful to be here...to show up daily for work and not know what I'm really doing, and be molded and shaped into a vessel for Him.

Sun, Sand, and Sea!

First of all, I now totally understand why going to the beach or the mountains in the summer is desirable with young kids! The ability to pack up "home" and take it with you to your new "home" is completely necessary. Our vacation was a gift from and with my parents and it was wonderful to get away and change the scenery of our lives for 6 days! I learned that vacation is something that will forever be different with children...my daily rhythm did not change during the 6 days we were gone; which usually had been the tell tale sign that we were on vacation.  Annelisa was a great trooper: from riding in the car for 6 hours both ways, to sleeping in her pack 'n play, to experiencing the sand and sea!

We stayed at Pointe West Resort on the West End of Galveston Island. The condo we stayed in belongs to another partner in my dad's firm and it is very well appointed with great views of the gulf! We enjoyed all the amenities! You can check it out here.  We have come to really enjoy Galveston Island! Far too often the Island gets a bad reputation...I'll agree with those that complain about the lack of white powder sand...but that's the only draw back to me! September was a great time to go, too! No crowds, great weather, and slightly cooler temperatures made for a picture perfect time! Some of our favorite places to visit on the island are: The Spot (Yummy Coconut  Shrimp), The Sunflower Cafe (great for Breakfast!), La King's Confectionery (Awesome Old Time Candy Store!! With Homemade Divinity, Salt Water Taffy, and Chocolates! Yum!), and strolling other boutique shops on The Strand.

Finally, some pictures of our sand and sea get away!

Top of the bridge going onto Galveston Island

Annelisa and me introducing her to the Gulf

Baby feet! 

Observing the waves

Observing the sand and waves

Studying how the ocean works

Unsure about this...

Happy Girl in her stroller! 

Tummy Time! 

Touching sand for the first time with her fingers! 

Sand going in mouth for first time! 

Studying the towel! 

Eating the towel with sand! 

View from under the canopy

Annelisa playing

Gorgeous blue eyes

picture perfect

laughing! 

Smiling

Still not sure about the water

Annelisa loves her daddy! 

Napping with daddy

Laughing with Grammy

Things are a changin'...

This week marks the end of six years as a 5th grade teacher. I am currently undergoing a major change professionally...transitioning from teacher to full time mom.

Nine weeks ago I left school, my home away from home, in a mad rush to make it to the doctor not knowing that I wasn't going back on Friday...not knowing that I wasn't going to have the moment of closure with my students, not fully understanding the scope of the change that was happening in  my life.

Birth...changes things!

Three months ago, I had short timers syndrome. I saw the light at the end of my year, felt the relief of knowing that I only had to teach x number of days. I looked forward to this transition with eager anticipation. Then the suddenness of Annelisa's birth happened without closure at school. (This seems odd now, since most birth experiences are sudden...one knows a general season or month but the day, hour, and method is often unknown until "it's time!") I can hope that I kept my short timers disease to myself...but I think some close friends were aware of my mental state back in March!

Something funny happened in me as I became a mother and started to care for our little girl, I started to miss my job. I missed the routine of it, the reputation I had at it, the assurance of knowing what to do each day. I didn't anticipate this...I was burned out, ready to not be a teacher/mother to my 60 5th graders, ready to have the simplicity of being home with my one darling daughter. Resignation hit me like a ton of bricks, completing the paperwork, the exit interview.... the whole process was hard for me. I did it, I got it in the mail, I set up my appointment to turn in my school laptop, I've done the steps, but emotionally I'm not there yet. June 1 is a less than a week away and I will pack my classroom, sign off on my checklist, and say good bye. I would be kidding if I told you that I was still excited about this...kidding if I told you that I didn't need to see my kids again...because I'm not and I do!

For those that know me well, you know that I don't process my emotions easily or well. I tend to bottle them up and keep them inside. This week I'm choosing to try to live in the moment and process my emotions and I'm afraid that this will get messy...tears will be apart of this process. I've realized that I need to grieve leaving my job and it's okay (dare I say necessary) for me to do so.

In case you're wondering, I have no regrets about resigning or becoming a stay at home mom...it's just a big shift for me and I'm trusting that God will use my availability in great ways if I'll show up each day and let Him!

So how will I process this last week of my six year career...

Tuesday--I'll attend 6th grade Honor's Night...and watch my students from last year make the transition to Junior High...I need to see them do this...I've gone each year that I've taught the students involved and it's a great closure activity for the year.

Wednesday--My principal is retiring this year, as well, and her retirement party is this afternoon followed by our faculty End of Year Celebration...I need to go to celebrate with my friends and coworkers a year and career well done.

Thursday--The last day of school...each year my principal has had a Flag Raising Ceremony on the first day of school and a Flag Lowering Ceremony on the last day of school. I need to see the Flag come down and stand with my class. This will bring major closure to the year... It will be a miracle if I don't cry through the whole thing, I'm preparing myself, so that I can let my emotions go and cry if I need to...the whole event will be hard for me.

Friday--Teacher work day...packing day...I'm so thankful that my parents and husband are taking vacation time to help me accomplish this task. My mom will watch Annelisa at home and dad and Christopher will come with me to work. There is no way I could pack my room and finish my end of year check lists without their help.

Here's to things changin'! Embracing change isn't easy, isn't comfortable. I'm choosing to live in the moment this week. Whatever emotions come!

Annelisa's First Month: Part 4

The Blessing of My Best Friend: April 10-12, 2012

My best friend blessed us immensely during Annelisa's third week. Laura came to spend three days with me and in the process encouraged me, stocked my freezer, and helped me get out with Annelisa for the first time. 

I needed good girl time! It was a gift from God to talk and do life together again. At the end of our time together, we both wished that we lived closer so we could be mommies together more often. Until then, we have phone dates, face time, and trips to visit each other!  I look forward to the future and the opportunity to bless her when she needs me!  

Laura, Caleb (6 months), Me, Annelisa (3 Weeks)

Annelisa and Caleb 

Week 37: Annelisa's Birth Story!

I think most of us have doubts from time to time that God's plan is best in our lives. I was at this point with my pregnancy wondering what God's plan was, when Annelisa was going to be born, and wondering if I'd be ready when the time came. By God's grace, when the time came, I was ready because of all the things God did to prepare me in every way!

It all began on Monday, March 19, 2012, Spring Break was complete and I returned to school with a plan; see I almost always have a plan! I operate best when I know the plan. The plan was to work ten more school days, and in that time prepare everything for my substitute, finish up grading for the fifth six weeks, and make sure all my school things and home things were ready for the birth. This Monday went as it should, I was uncomfortable, but thankfully my feet didn't really swell. I had been very productive over spring break in catching up on most of the grading I needed to do. I had one assignment left to grade and I devised yet another plan to accomplish it by Open House on Thursday. That evening we had my weekly appointment with Dr. Halderman (not my OB, but another in the practice) to check my progress and a Non-Stress Test (NST).  Everything went well. I measured 41 cm and was dilated to 1 cm with 90% effacement. No real progress from the previous week. Annelisa seemed to be on track for an April birth day and being a large baby girl! We went home relieved with some of our questions answered about the likelihood of a Cesarean, which we wanted to avoid, or even an induction, which we also wanted to avoid. We were encouraged by Dr. Halderman to keep up the good work and to be prepared.

Well, Tuesday came with plenty of swelling, particularly in my feet! It wasn't that painful, but it prompted me to try to sit and leave school as promptly as possible to put them up. Earlier in my third trimester, I had swollen feet and each evening I was able to drink enough and keep them up enough to have them resolve by the next morning. This time those tricks didn't work. So, Wednesday came with swollen feet in the morning only to increase as the day progressed. My plan for the week was working nicely, I was making progress on the assignment I needed to grade and progress on preparing things for my sub. I still had plenty to do, but progress was key (and encouraging)! Wednesday night was characterized by plain discomfort, my hips hurt, I was having tons of contractions off and on, but nothing regular, and my skin was achy from stretching over my baby bump. I got stretch marks the previous Friday...there was no more room in my skin for this baby!

Thursday, March 22, I woke up extra early to get to school early to finish grading my last assignment. This was totally a God thing....I finished grading at 7:35 AM....I prepped the items I needed for my lesson and for open house that evening, knowing that the day was going to fly by and I was going to have zero down time to do anything during the day. 7:50 the first bell rings, my students start to come in, the day begins and quite the day it would be. It turned out that this was going to be my teammate's last day before her maternity leave.  Knowing this, I had a conversation with my homeroom about how my days were coming to an end too, (little did I know!), that everyday there was the potential that the baby could come, or that my doctor could order me to stay home at one of my appointments. This was another God thing...my kids and I both needed to have this conversation...especially since this day turned out to be Annelisa's birth day! Another thing God did was He encouraged two teachers to approach my principal about covering my classroom for Open House that evening and my principal agreed. I had nothing to do with this, they offered it as a gift to me to rest and God knew that I wouldn't make it back and prepared a way for everything to be covered and prepared. This was a blessing to me before I knew what the day would hold and that evening as I was being prepped for the Operating Room, it took a whole new meaning! At the end of the school day, my teammate and I said our good byes and I wished her well with many prayers for a smooth transition home, then I rushed to leave for my weekly sonogram appointment. I was running late, I was stressed from the days activity, and focused on getting to the doctor's office.

Once I arrived for the sonogram, it dawned on me that I wasn't hungry and really hadn't been all day. This was not normal. Usually on my way to the doctor, I snacked on something in the car and drank lots of water to catch up from the day; this Thursday, I wasn't interested in food or drink, but I tried to drink water anyway. Shelley, the sonographer, took me back to the exam room and she started the exam. I had been having BPP sonogram's for almost six weeks at this point, so she asked how I was and I started talking not really paying attention to the measurements as closely as I usually did. This was another God thing...He protected me from seeing how things had changed. As the exam went on, Shelley was quieter than usual, she had me change positions for the heart rate, which she hadn't had me do before, still God protected me from detecting that things had changed. She finished up and told me that my fluid level had spiked...I had polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid)...I usually had around 31 cm of fluid and this Thursday I measured at 39 cm, which explained my increased discomfort during the previous couple of evenings. She wanted to consult with the OB who was still at the office, so I waited in the exam room. A couple of minutes passed and I still wasn't worried, Shelley and Dr. Fadahunsi came back into the room. Dr. Fadahunsi told me that she had called and talked to Dr. Kidd (my OB) and they wanted me to go to the hospital for monitoring instead of doing my NST at their office. At this point, I started to worry....she proceeded to ask me several questions: have I felt the baby moving normally today? I honestly hadn't thought about it much that day, I had been so busy and with the poly I usually only felt big movements anyway; she asked me how I was feeling? which wasn't great, I had felt sort of off for a couple of days digestively and with my appetite.  Then came the real worrisome comment, that Annelisa's heart rate was low and not regular, hence why I was going to the hospital.

At this point, I was told to not go home and have dinner then go, but to go straight away. I asked if I could go to the restroom before going to get my husband on the way and both the doctor and Shelley chuckled and said I had time for that. I left the office quickly and called Christopher who hadn't come with me, since I wasn't scheduled to see a doctor that day. I called his desk and he didn't answer, I called his cell and he didn't answer...I think to myself that he must be busy in a conversation or something. At this point, I begin balling and driving when he returns my call. He hadn't expected my phone call yet due to the type of appointment I was supposed to have. I try to talk, but can't, I was able to finally say that I was coming to his office and we were going to the hospital. In his wonderful way, he stopped asking questions about the details and told me he would be waiting downstairs for me. Thankfully, he only works ten minutes from the doctors office. I managed to drive there, through tears and prayers. I parked at the front and moved to the passenger seat, as I didn't need to drive! He hurried us to Centennial...we went up to Labor and Delivery and checked-in, still not knowing what the evening would hold. Praise God for the nurse who worked with us first, she was cheerful, funny, and lighthearted and yet was clearly very experienced. As the monitoring progressed and Annelisa's heart rate continued to set off the alarm on the monitor, she began to gently tell us that she thought it was going to be someone's birthday today...at which point, I asked her how this was going to happen since I wasn't in labor....she told me likely through a C-section...God had been working to open my heart and mind to this possibility for weeks, I wanted to have a vaginal birth in the delivery room and not an operation...but since my diagnosis with poly we had known this to be a possibility...and here we were with a gentle nod to begin to consider this a reality.

At 6:20 PM we'd been at the hospital for about an hour, and the nurse came in with IV supplies and told me that she was just being prepared, they weren't starting anything yet, and that my doctor would be by shortly. At this point, text messages were flying, we had been texting with so many family members, friends, and co-workers, things were starting to move. We hadn't packed our things for the hospital yet, Farley had been home all day by himself and would need to be let out much sooner than later, I wasn't ready with sub plans or even lesson plans for the next week yet...I was feeling very unprepared, yet God again encouraged my heart with the sounding of the alarm for our daughter's heart rate...me being unprepared didn't really matter, God had a plan, and it was time to trust Him and walk in it! At 6:50 my OB came in, and we discussed proceeding with a C-section that evening or beginning an induction...the decision was made to c-section due to the likelihood that I could labor all night and still end up in the OR the next day due to the polyhydramnios. The nurses' shift change happened during our conversation.  After the decision was made to c-section a flurry of activity ensued...I was prepped and ready for the OR in under 30 minutes.

At 7:30, I was on the operating table getting the epidural. Mentally, I was scattered and running on adrenaline! So much to process, I wasn't going back to work on Friday, we were going to be parents in a matter of minutes, on and on it went. I was so thankful that Centennial wasn't busy that night, the entire OR was waiting on the epidural to kick in and for certain things to time in rather than me waiting on them. The scene reminded me of TV shows with music playing, the doctors conversing and teasing each other, and even including me in their conversation. By 7:40, Christopher had come in to join me in the OR, everything was ready, it was time for us to meet our Annelisa. At 7:50, Annelisa Grace was born, screaming with strong lungs. NICU checked her out and she was perfect! Her heart and lungs were working beautifully! Soon after seeing her for the first time, she and her daddy went to the nursery for her first bath and vitals check while I was put back together in the OR.

Annelisa's Birth in Pictures! 

Christopher dressed and ready for surgery! (Forgive the blurriness, my glasses were off at this point!)

Annelisa's first exam in the OR. 

Looking back to see her with the NICU doctor and nurses. 

8 pounds, 0.3 ounces 

Nurse Emily giving Annelisa her first bath. 

All done and ready to see Mommy! 

Around 9:00 PM, Christopher had joined me back in my room during recovery. He told me all about his trip to the nursery and how Annelisa had been cared for, he also told me that when checking her vitals she had low blood sugar, which can happen to some babies born at a high weight for their gestational age.  Due to this, she had been given formula to help stabilize her blood sugar levels. He assured me that the nurses had assured him that she would still be able to breast feed, but that it would have to wait a few hours due to the formula.We both wanted me to breast feed as soon as possible, and a c-section already delays the process compared to a vaginal birth; however, it didn't matter that it would take longer for me to start the process as long as she was healthy.

By 10:00 PM, I was holding my baby girl for the first time!

Around 11:00 PM, we were moved to our postpartum room to continue the recovery process. Wow, what a day it had been. Amazingly, I wasn't feeling tired thanks to all the adrenaline! We began our first night as parents.

She's already a thinker, like her daddy! :) 

We stayed at Centennial until Sunday afternoon. The staff was phenomenal! The nurses were wonderful and great at helping me recover from surgery and the nursery nurses were wonderful in helping us adjust as parents, teaching us tricks and strategies to try with our daughter. Stacie was our lactation consultant and she proved her worth over and over! She was encouraging in the midst of her instruction and helped us start breast feeding on the right foot. My anesthesiologist, Dr. George, was excellent! He was easy to talk to, and even came by to check on me the next morning before his shift ended.   At Saturday lunch, we had our celebration meal! It was quite the spread. Again and again, I would choose this hospital for labor and delivery.

We have been so blessed and have felt loved by so many friends and family members throughout my pregnancy and Annelisa's birth. We couldn't have managed life without the flexibility, understanding, and help from both sets of parents, our bosses, our sisters (and their spouses), and countless others! Special kudos go to Annelisa's Aunt Jo and Uncle Stuart...they really blessed us on Annelisa's birth day, they went to our house and packed our hospital bag and brought it to us and they kept Farley for us until we came home from the hospital. It takes special people to be willing to search for the various items I had pulled out to pack, but hadn't actually put in a bag yet! 

Christopher and Annelisa on Saturday, March 24th. 

Going Home! Our first family picture! 

2012 Resolutions

2011 was a year of many accomplishments! 

1. Celebrate the blessing and gift of five years of marriage to my best friend! (July 15).
2. Conceive our first child, Annelisa Grace, due April 10, 2012.
3. Buy our first home!
4. Seek and find a new church home to be a part of in our new community!
5. Celebrate 5 years of teaching 5th grade English Language Arts, Reading, and Social Studies at Northwood Hills Elementary.

I've never been good at making resolutions and keeping up with them throughout a year; however, I have made goals throughout my life and then by the grace of God, made strides toward reaching them! 2012 will be a year of major transition in our family...and in so being a good time to lay out some of my goals, hopes, and a prayer for the year ahead.

Goals:

1. Read for encouragement and spiritual growth
2. Read for pleasure
3. Read in preparation of my new job: Motherhood

Hopes:

1. to be a true helpmate, partner, and friend to my husband
2. to learn to be content within our new budget in preparation of living on one income
3. to be creative in shopping for necessities and 'wants'
4. to bless others through and with the blessings God has given us
5. to discover balance in my daily life through seeking God above all else
6. to develop new friendships through our new church home and small group
7. to transition gracefully to working within our home instead of outside it

My prayer for 2012:

Comes from Colossians 1:9-14, this is my paraphrase:

I pray asking that I may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May I be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified me to share in in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered me from the domain of darkness and transferred me to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom I have full redemption and the forgiveness of  my sins. 

After recording all of these goals, hopes, and my prayer, I have discovered my theme for 2012...Seek God, Strive to know Him more intimately and all of the other pieces of this life will fall into place according to His will for me and my family. 

May God bless you and your family with special memories of His love and blessings throughout the year ahead!  

Merry Christmas!

The Best Christmas, Yet! 

On this Christmas night, I'm feeling quite blessed with where God has me! A few short years ago Christmas away from 'home' was still new, uncomfortable, and difficult. Yet, I've grown and matured and come to covet Christmas with my husband at our home, with our traditions, and the joy of sharing those with our families.  2011 has been an eventful year of many firsts: we bought our first home, we conceived our first child, we hosted our first Christmas. 

To recap our Christmas:

Tuesday, December 20: My sisters arrived to share and help in the joy of Christmas, primarily making dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies. Between Tuesday evening and Thursday evening we made (they did a lot of the work) 2 batches of sugar cookies (approximately 100+ cut-outs that were then iced and decorated!), 2 batches of gingerbread cookies (approximately 50+ cut outs that were iced and decorated), 4 dozen peanut butter blossoms, a jam cake, and muddy buddies (a.k.a. puppy chow). Don't worry too much, this was all for good purpose...to ship to our grandparents, to feed, and delight our families for Christmas Eve and day. Most importantly, I was closely monitored in my sugar consumption! 

Friday, December 23: My mom and dad arrived...we all visited family friends from forever in my memory and enjoyed an afternoon of catching up. 

Saturday, December 24: Christmas Eve! 

We went to church at what is becoming our new church home, Allen Bible Church. The service was wonderful, filled with carols, the story of Christmas adapted from the Jesus Story Book Bible (which I highly recommend!), and the conclusion of advent with the Lord's Supper. This Christmas season will be remembered for many years to come as I feel a close kinship to Mary. Last night as the pastor walked through the five candles of Advent (grace, light, redemption, humility, and Christ), I was reminded of the little girl growing inside me with lively kicks. Mary was a trooper, riding a donkey at near full term, giving birth in a stable amid the animals, welcoming the King of Heaven in human form to this earth....I can't imagine how she felt as she "pondered these things quietly in her heart." I am so thankful to know my King and the reason for this season as Philippians 2 so adequately describes...not the birth of Jesus, but why Jesus came, to save each of us. 

Phil. 2:6 ¹⁰ 

who though he existed in the form of God ¹¹ 

did not regard equality with God

as something to be grasped,

2:7 but emptied himself

by taking on the form of a slave, ¹² 

by looking like other men, ¹³ 

and by sharing in human nature. ¹⁴ 

2:8 He humbled himself,

by becoming obedient to the point of death

– even death on a cross!

2:9 As a result God exalted him

and gave him the name

that is above every name,

2:10 so that at the name of Jesus

every knee will bow

– in heaven and on earth and under the earth –

2:11 and every tongue confess

that Jesus Christ is Lord

to the glory of God the Father.

Then we hosted both sides of our families for Christmas Eve dinner! Over the last several years I've enjoyed developing our tradition of hosting my husband's family for Christmas Eve, making tons of cookies for dessert, and watching everyone enjoy themselves. This year was extra special because my family was here too! Our house was full of people! It was glorious! Watching people eat, talk, and share life together! I don't think I enjoy many things as much as blessing people through hosting them. Our families hadn't been together like this since our wedding almost 5 and 1/2 years ago! The overall consensus was that the evening was a great success! 

Sunday, December 25: Christmas Day! 

It was so fun to have Christmas with my family in our living room! Opening presents, laughing, playing Santa, and having breakfast together! My family left to go home and we were able to sit and process the blessings of this Christmas thus far. Then we prepared to go to my sister and brother-in-law's house for Christmas dinner and more gifts with my husband's family. 

We were immensely blessed by our families in the gifts we received today! However, in the midst of the getting, I know I'm enjoying the giving more! Watching my family members light up with excitement as they open each gift is priceless. 

Next Christmas, my pleasure will be to help our little girl experience the joys of Christmas! To begin to teach her the meaning of this season and to watch her discover this part of our life! 

Merry Christmas everyone! I pray that God has blessed you through this season of celebrating His birth!